Sj7g09's Blog

Archive for the ‘Reflective Practice’ Category

Posted on: February 23, 2011

Disappeared for ages, then started to feel better and more able to do stuff, for a day at least, but knocked back down again now. Not to sound like I have delusions of persecution or anything, but marked by 2 lecturers who don’t at all like me because I won’t put up with all the absolute bullshitting that they try to pass as academia, so my feedback is basically that I can’t do art, I’m technically bad, my understanding is excellent in the comment box but ‘good’ on the tickbox sheet, and just generally don’t bother, you’re not an artist, you have no imagination, you never get past facts. It’s not meant to be made up, that’s not the point – the whole issue is that it’s factual. But apparently documentation doesn’t cut it, despite their mantra of ‘document everything’.

So I’m having a shit day. After about 3, 4 hours of crying about being worthless, and, to be honest, attempting to con someone into spanking me since there’s still such a stigma about hitting a woman, even if they’re literally asking for it, I’m starting to tap into my resilience and try to rebuild. Not that there’s really anything to rebuild. The last month or so I’ve just disappeared. Ignored phone, emails, not really spoken to anyone, not gone to uni, not really done any work, so I have 2 modules that I haven’t even started, and I feel less than enthusiastic about putting in any effort for any of this. With my practical module, I put everything I could into it, or at least I felt like I did – the week before hand-in I stayed up til 4 most mornings working on putting everything together, to be told that it’s worthless, pointless, I shouldn’t have bothered. It’s not technically good video, so don’t try. It’s interesting that I feel so much worse about it now I have the feedback sheet back… To know who marked my work, and what they will have seen. I felt ok about it when I didn’t know, when there was no consequence, no acknowledgement that they must have seen my work. So ultimately I feel quite sick, thinking about two middleaged men judging videos that I’ve made, going into personal issues, or showing vulnerability, or skin… Kind of entertaining in a disconnected kind of way, seeing as I never feel like that about performing for men online, but when it’s men that I should respect, trust, whatever, I find it disgusting. I find that sort of judging so much more disconcerting and destroying. Funny that people have a problem with porn and camming and whatever for it judging women on their appearance, but fucking hell, that’s nothing compared to having your whole sense of self judged and condensing your supposed ability into a number.

Not really sure what happens from here. Been considering dropping out, but maybe that’s a bit much. Plus it’s easier to just stay, get a degree even though the absolute last thing I ever want to do now is anything to do with art. Hobby painting for me, even if it’s sex and violence rather than flowers and kittens.

I suppose it just confirmed all the things that I thought already, that my work wasn’t really art, and was just rubbish GCSE or A-level stuff. Shame they haven’t even left me with my academic writing, giving me less marks than my essay last year, which I think was terrible compared to the one I handed in this year. I might put it up, just to feel vindicated really, and probably to have another rant. I was apparently marked down because I don’t use any ideological arguments… Apparently I only write about morals and high art status, and that isn’t ideological. And I should have mentioned money. Definitely not just because the marker has a supposed loathing of capitalism, and sees himself as this Marxist, anarchist freedom fighter, despite owning (and obviously also showing off – I believe it’s mandatory) an iPhone, and being in the most fucking prostituting profession there is – I have to wonder quite how being paid to deliver knowledge to those who can afford it fits with his deeply-held Marxist views. Obviously they’re deeply held seeing as he felt the need to write in my feedback that I should have mentioned that film-makers don’t like censorship because it means they get less money, despite how obviously fucking ridiculous this is seeing as if it was for money surely they’d write a film that wasn’t going to get censored in the first place. But why respect views that don’t fit with your own? My essay is going to an external moderator though, so maybe they’ll think it’s better than the school gave it credit for, but I don’t want to have any hope, because it’ll just be another disappointment. Basically, education just feels like the main objective is to desensitise you so much to being academically abused, so that you have no self-esteem and are willing to accept whatever they want. If only what they wanted wasn’t so soul-crushing as to desire you to change all your ideas, how you implement your ideas, and how you feel about the entire system.

I’m just so tired and stressed I can’t think. Want to write down the stuff from my tutorial today, so I have some recollection of it, but feel so tired I feel ill.

Showed some of my photos and videos in a tutorial… I think I’m picking out all the worst things that were said. I’m not sure I even remember there being anything good, although it didn’t feel so bad at the time.

The comments that interested me most were on the videos, which were ridiculously hard to share. I put together something last night… well, until 4 in the morning… that I thought would be reasonably well received seeing as it makes no sense, but it was a tutorial with a different staff member, so the criteria was all different again. I was surprised at how positive he was about it all though. Anyway, I made a video that has all the typical documentary-style filming – closeups of typing on laptop, filming the screen as the words appear, wringing hands, fiddling with jewellery, playing with hair, etc. I’m not really sure why I tried to make it like this, it just seemed apt. From watching videos of myself sped up, I’ve noticed the sort of actions that I continually do, and I wanted to slow these down and make them very deliberate, and thought they were the sort of things that emotive documentaries would focus on. I wrote some text, that is true and my own words, but translated it into Russian, then put it through a text-to-speech synthesizer, so all the images have Russian speech over them. I was surprised that one of the comments wasn’t that it came across as racist. I’ve picked up on using Russian language because of how it’s often insisted by customers that I cannot be British, I’m lying, I must be Russian. I think I use different languages, or a complete lack of speech, to get across the idea that, from an outside view, I appear to have no power. I don’t want to have character either, because of the idea that a group of people who have nothing to do with me can speak for me, and that makes me generic and voiceless. A symbol rather than a person. I wonder about working more specifically with my own experiences because I don’t want to seem like I’m trying to speak for anyone but myself. Really I just want to get across my perspective, seeing as I feel like people are completely unwilling to listen to me because it’s supposedly in my best interests that I have no say, and I don’t want to become that oppressor to other people who don’t agree with me.


One comment I found really interesting about this video was that the word for ‘prostitution’ was picked out, and so the assumption was that it was about prostitution, and because I was using an image of myself, I was a ‘character’. He was fair in saying that he wasn’t sure, because he didn’t understand the language and didn’t know what the text was saying, but asked whether I was a representation of a prostitute. I explained that it wasn’t about prostitution, it was about something that the government had termed ‘indistinguishable from prostitution’, and that the images of me weren’t intended as a stereotype. The video of myself was actually just made of me looking into the camera, and I happen to still be wearing the things that I’d put on for the previous videos I’d been making. It was just an experiment to see how pixellated I could make the video look, for looking into the idea that pictorial representations cannot be ‘selling yourself’ – it’s a representation of your image, made up of pixels.

Anyway, he said that the images of me looked like a disguise, like a character, like I was performing. I’d like to look at the line between performance and reality, because the ‘character’ of me as a sex worker (I need a better word for sex worker, because it doesn’t encompass what I actually mean) was seen as fake, completely fictitious, presumably that I was just taking media stereotypes and playing off those to make something totally unreal. The reason it was seen as a disguise was how much makeup I was wearing. What makes this video fake, as compared to when I am infront of my webcam, dressed up in ways that I maybe usually wouldn’t be, for what would be seen as reality? I think if I were to say to my parents that I strip on webcam, the boundary between fantasy and reality wouldn’t be understood – it would be no defense to say “but it’s not real”, because physically it is real. But what makes this different to acting? If you’re on stage and you do a certain action, it’s acting, not reality, but you did really undertake the action. I suppose it’s just the motivations behind doing it, I dont know. I always have a character when I’m being watched – it’s natural, I think everyone does – so why is that a part of who I ‘really’ am, whereas in video made specifically for art, it’s theatrics? I don’t make up a character for when I’m on webcam, but I do have a different name, and it’s therefore a bit of an alter-ego. I don’t want to use that name in my schoolwork, so it gets further removed and my alter-ego has an alter-ego. I use the name Natasha when it’s for school work, seeing as it’s the generic label for the face of the feminisation of poverty. The Natasha trade and so on. I use the surname ‘Dobycha’, because it was the phoenetic spelling of a Russian translation of ‘victim’ or ‘prey’, and then when I translated it back, it came up with all sorts of other words that I felt were fitting – ‘trophy’, ‘loot’, ‘plunder’, ‘kill’, ‘capture’, ‘spoil’… I explain this in the video, using images of translations, so I thought it made some sense even without knowing what the voiceover was saying, but it’s probably not all that clear. I’m never really sure whether to just tell the truth, share my actual experiences of creating what is seen as a ‘character’ academically, and what is sometimes assumed to be real at others, and to present my findings of my own work, or whether it seems too uninteresting to others. I’m the sort of person who adores documentaries for their anthropological and sociological value, but I don’t know whether I’m really that interesting to share findings that are to do with something I’ve done. At least I’d be talking about something I understand, but at the same time it makes me vulnerable, and maybe I seem self-centred.

The other video discussed was an experimentation to do with depicting the idea of rescuing women, and that whole moral crusade to ‘better’ women, as degrading and abusive. Because it is. If anything is abuse, it’s that, because it’s non-consensual and completely denies any rights or autonomy. So I made a video, using cameraphone and torch-light again, where I’m stroked and patronised and infantilised, and the speaker oversteps all the boundaries, all with the best of intentions. I don’t think it’s a bad idea, even if I haven’t found the right way of presenting it yet. The ostensibly reassuring words are contrasted with the torch-light on my face, which I’ve tried to use as a means of objectification – that the torch shows where the viewer, both in and outside of the video, are looking at the time. I don’t know whether I made the right choice in having imagery that looks ‘traditionally abusive’, like smeared makeup, and eventually tape over my mouth, but the makeup was smudged from trying out more aggressive actions previously, and my original idea was that I wanted it to be filmed visually quite like amateur horror, but then there is no violence or abuse or overt sexuality – there are just sickly kind words and invasion of personal space in the aid of being positive and comforting.

Again, I didnt want any sort of voice… I spoke in the original, but have edited out almost all of my speech, because I don’t want that sort of power. This sort of behaviour is abusive precisely because it claims to speak for people without a voice, while ensuring that the people actually involved are discredited and seen as poor little things that may not ever recover, may never be able to be taken seriously. The main thing that came up about this video was that it mentions child abuse, and that will make viewers not listen, or upset them, etc. I’ve been trying to think about this, and I do feel that the lines about abuse are important. I realise that they can be taken the wrong way, but  that’s only from misunderstanding the piece. The actual line used is “Were you abused when you were a kid?”, in the original I say ‘no’ but this is obviously edited out, followed by “maybe you’ve just repressed it”, showing that the only response I could have given was negative. It was suggested that it seems like I’m pretending that I’ve been abused. I think it’s well within my rights to freedom of expression to make a video saying I’ve been abused when I haven’t, but that’s not what this particular video is. I’m not even saying that the on-screen character has been abused – the answer, through reading the responses of the speaking character, must be no. And I feel that this is an important thing to raise, because it’s a way of discrediting people. It’s also a way of justifying ‘deviant’ behaviour – it can’t just be that this person is an individual with varying fantasies, it’s that there must have been something bad that happened that caused them to become like this. Even when categorically saying that you were definitely not abused, people will still claim to have more knowledge about yourself than you do, through playing the repression card. It happened, but you don’t remember it, you poor, traumatised thing. And the scary thing is the amount of material claiming to be feminist that puts forward this view, telling women that there’s a good chance they’ve been abused but just don’t remember it, especially if they have positive feelings towards ‘abusive’ fantasies, or negative feelings towards ‘normal’ sexual activity. I haven’t quite decided how much I want to push to cling onto the abuse lines, because I don’t think they’re the most important part, but they do most definitely highlight a theme that is significant.

I know that the ‘characters’ expressed on these videos aren’t me in my natural state, but are they really characters? To me, they are a lot more just how I react to the stimulus within the videos, and that the reactions are the real reactions to how I myself behave towards the things that are happening while also being infront of a camera. Obviously some of the things I’m responding to can only be acting – when I’m being patronised and infantilised, the person saying the words doesn’t really mean them, but it still felt bad to have them said to me, while being touched so delicately, and the feeling that that character was overstepping my personal boundaries by demanding to hold my hand and such like. So the person I’m reacting to is a character, but a character based on reality, seeing as there are so so many people who’ve made me feel uncomfortable with this sort of ‘affection’ in my life. One thing I’m considering making is something to do with the non-consensuality of being touched as a child. Not sexually, but ‘affectionately’, by relatives, generally because you have to have them touch you or you touch them to pretend that you love them, because they’re giving you money or a birthday present or something. How is that not prostitution?

It always makes me angry to read articles that imply that basically all women of my generation are feminists, but are too embarrassed to admit it. Like the only reason women could ever not agree with feminism is that they’re worried about boys thinking they’re silly, and that it’s the courageous thing to do to be able to stand up and say “I am a feminist.” I am not a feminist, and I would say that I’ve had a lot of criticism and disbelief at my stance, and the idea that the only reason I would say I’m not a feminist is because I don’t understand it, or want to look ‘cool’ in front of my peers is insulting. I think there’s a very big difference between believing in equal rights and believing in feminism – they are not the same thing. Feminism looks for inequalities everywhere, because of the ideology it subscribes to, and subsequently finds inequality everywhere, especially where it is symbolic and there is no proof that it’s oppressing anyone.

I had a conversation last year with one of my lecturers, and said that I’m not a feminist, because I believe in the core value of equality, but that I believe that that is very different to ‘feminism’ in its current incarnation. Just as I would not call myself a Christian just because I believe that murder is bad, I refuse to subscribe to feminism just because I believe in one value that it sets out, but completely disagree with how it suggests this is achieved. People are far too willing to label themselves and change their life according to these labels.

This is a quote from an article in the Guardian, ” You’re not a feminist, but… What?” by Chloe Angyal:

“Feminism demands a complete overhaul of how we think, how we behave, how we talk, where we work, what media we consume, how we vote and how we raise our families.”

To me, this is the essence of feminism. It is completely hypocritical – followers are deterred from ‘patriarchal’ values, but these are simply replaced by other codes as to how you should live your life and form your identity, and this negates the only truly good thing feminism had – the idea that women should have free choice over how they think, how they behave, how they talk, where they work, what media they consume, how they vote and how they raise their families, amongst other things. In my opinion, feminism does not provide that choice, as it sets out other prescribed norms and values that you follow, or face being shunned.

I can only really speak for myself, but I don’t say that I’m not a feminist because I worry about fitting in, or having people say nasty things to me, labelling me according to stereotypes. If this were the case, it would be really stupid, seeing as most people I have ever met would say that they are feminists. This ideology is not the minority any more, and I would say that it’s a lot more challenging to actually go againist it and say that you’re not a feminist. For a start, you’ll have people telling you that you actually are a feminist, you just don’t understand what feminism is. Or people flat out telling you that you’re stupid if you don’t believe in feminism. I think this is the point – feminism is so hypocritical, it’s become what it set out to argue against. Feminists argue that women have been deterred from feminism because of peoples’ reactions and people trying to dissuade them from taking on this new ideology, but now feminism is that deterring force, trying to make people believe in this ideology because if you say that you don’t, you’re shunned, told you’re stupid, told that you don’t understand, guilted, told that you’re internalising patriarchy so aren’t entitled to an opinion.

I am not a feminist, and could never be a feminist, because I don’t believe in how this ideology conducts itself. It is hypocritical and underhanded, denying women their rights to choose if women do not agree with the ideology set out by feminism. I realise that there are different branches of feminism, but that is not enough of an argument to make me reconsider and think “oh, I can just define my views by a different sort of feminism”. That’s just weak. People shouldn’t need labels to validate their views. Unfortunately this means that feminism will pretty much always always win over the people it’s oppressing, because they have their club that most people now have a membership to, but can still claim that they are the oppressed minority, rather than that they’re being oppressive of others. As a woman, I feel oppressed by feminism. I do not want an ideology telling me how to live my life, simply because I happen to have been born female. I don’t want to be part of your club because of my genitals, thanks. I don’t want the extra protection that feminism wants to give me – I don’t want to ban lad’s magazines, or close strip clubs, or make counselling mandatory for prostitutes. I don’t want to lobby the government for yet more ridiculous laws to force everyone to be nice to each other, or come up with legislation that amounts to punishing people for thought crime. I know that this is not all feminism is, but, to me, these are all elements that are so very, very important to me that I could never even pretend to subscribe to an ideology that would make me complicit in these things. Ironically, I have more respect for myself than that. My views are very important to me and I won’t compromise them just so that people will respect me. I don’t feel that people I’ve spoken to, especially at university, respect my views, or me. Overwhelmingly, it’s always that I’m internalising, I’m stupid, I don’t understand, that I think what I’m doing is empowering but actually it isn’t (accompanied by pitying, self-righteous facial expression). Feminism is the norm, and it’s respected. I don’t live according to what looks empowering to everyone else – I really don’t care. I am not a representative of my gender, and will behave however I choose to, whether that looks symbolically degrading or not.

Just watching a BBC interview with Kat Banyard, which is fantastic, to see her views actually being deconstructed and challenged. I think that this highlights the absolute hypocrisy of feminism – Kat Banyard is against the sex industry and feels that it is one of the most detrimental forces in achieving equality, and sees the sex industry as exploitation towards women, conflating stripping, lap dancing, etc. with prostitution. In this interview, she defends womens’ rights to wear a burqa, as a choice that women should be able to make, and denounces how, in this issue, womens’ bodies are used as a battleground. Yet she doesn’t apply this thinking to women working in the sex industry – why can’t women choose to use their own body, which they should be seen as having ownership of, to work in an industry that she feels is exploitative? This is how feminism in general comes across to me – women have the right to make free choices about their own body, e.g. to have an abortion, but as soon as it’s about commercial sex, they’re too frail and vulnerable and exploited to have their views listened to. Particularly shown in Kat Banyard saying that abortion has to be a right for women, as they should have control over their own bodies, but that in the West we don’t label practices that are ‘harmful’ to women as violence, because they’re shielded by using words like ‘choice’ and ‘liberation’…. How can it be that women should not be allowed to make choices about their own bodies that they think are choice, or liberating, but have a higher authority outlawing these ‘choices’ because they don’t believe that they are the right choice?

And that laws changing to make sure women can go into any profession they wish regardless of their gender are good, but revoking this to make sure that women can’t work in the sex industry is good. How does that make sense? The idea that women still have to choose between a career and looking after their children, yet a lot of the time women choose to work in the sex industry because they want the more flexible working hours in order to spend more time with their family, but they’re looking to make sure that women can’t do this, can’t make this choice, and must have a job that they deem non-exploitative. What, exactly, in Capitalist society, is a job without exploitation?

In this Kat Banyard interview, I was hoping desperately that the interviewer was going to keep asking her about womens’ rights to choose abortion, to be a stay-at-home mother, to wear the burqa, with her answer always being that it’s about choice and body autonomy, but then to ask why these same principles can’t be applied to choosing to work in the sex industry. Unfortunately it didn’t happen, but the point is still extremely relevant, I think.


So, I am not a feminist, but please stop trying to convert me.

Maybe my work is actually shit. I never spend more than a day actually making anything – I can spend months thinking about it, but the actual process of creating it will never take me more than a day. I woke up at midday today, and I’ve already made a video. And I guess maybe that’s the point – that it’s probably not a very good video.

But, I wish I could get across the point that I want to explore lots of different ideas – pretty much all of the things I make could rightfully be seen as ‘not finished’ in the sense that if I worked on them for weeks and weeks then they’d change and they might be ‘better’. But I really think that the only way in which they would be better is visually. I feel that making lots of different things quickly helps me to develop the ideas, and to see what’s working, or not working, and continue from there. This one of the things I’ve always despised about how art is taught – it seems like there’s the expectation that you will pick an idea and just keep doing it ad nauseum until you’ve found the perfect combination of how to do it, and, for me, that isn’t art. Well, it is art, because I think that most things can be considered art, but that it’s not how art has to be in order to be ‘art’. I don’t want to pick one idea and do it to death at the expense of thinking about anything else, because the only thing that I really, really want to do is transmit ideas, and however the thing is presented, it will have the same ideas. I understand that certain ways of presentation are going to make people think about the ideas more, but I really don’t think that trying to make art more ambiguous is a good way of transmitting a message. It seems like most popular art conforms to the well-respected criteria that it should be poetic, mysterious, and basically unreadable. It doesn’t matter what your work intends to say, so long as it says it in the right way. It seems like most art is ‘art’ because it’s framed in the context of being art, and doesn’t tell the viewer anything, so the viewer leaves thinking that it’s cleverer than it actually was. Art, like drama, unfortunately seems to be suffering “it’s-up-to-the-viewer’s-interpretation” syndrome, which, to me, shows a lot less care and consideration than looking at something with a clear opinion. My work doesn’t show care because I use sellotape, other work doesn’t show care because it’s the done thing to just say “I want the viewer to project their ideas onto it”, which is code for “I have no ideas, so I need the viewer to assume there are ideas and make them up themselves.” Fine, great, by all means do that, but it’s still stupid. I just desperately don’t want to end up creating art that is wishywashy. It’s pointless. I used to paint portraits, and it was pointless. Of course, my parents will always ask me why I don’t paint portraits any more, presumably wanting me to go back to doing something that they understand as art and are allowed to see. I don’t exactly feel much like sharing my work with them, just like I don’t particularly feel like sharing my work with my school, seeing as neither are especially nurturing of what I want to do. “It’s not art. If you wanted to do this, you should have done politics or sociology or psychology or joined a campaign group…” etc. But why isn’t it art?

I suppose the point I’m trying to make is that I think if I keep on working how I am, I’ll keep making links between the different ideas, and they’ll keep changing. I made a video today, and it probably isn’t especially good – I feel like the premise is mildly insane, while being unsure whether if I showed it at school this would be interpreted as artistic and poetic, or amateur and pathetic. I think it’s good for me to break away from the prostitution/trafficking clearcut issue for a bit, if only to make the suggestion that that’s not specifically what my work is about. I get the feeling that if you read my work literally, it comes across a lot like a school project, like a presentation on why <“contentious issue”> is <good/bad>, and that’s feels really stupid if it’s viewed solely as that. I wouldn’t mind the work having the feeling of a school project if that was just part of the work – the propaganda is a lot like a school project, expressing the most simple views without really thinking about them.

But I get the feeling that potentially all my work is read as is “sex work is bad/good”, rather than applying it more to the general issue of body autonomy and ownership of bodies. My video from today touches on these issues more, although it’s probably not at all clear. Although, unclear, obscure and saying nothing seems to be the marking criteria 😉 Anyway, I felt faintly ridiculous, not because I’m dressed in Mouse ears, a dog collar, and pawprint gloves, but because I’ve tried to express everything I want to say in the video in ‘meow’s. Yes, it sounds stupid, and it felt stupid, and it really sounds like the sort of idea that someone’s doing just to look quirky, but I wanted to try it because it’d been on my mind for a while, in regard to women seen like animals, treated like animals, ‘human pets’, all linking to body autonomy and who has ownership over you. Like, if you allow an individual to have ownership over you, can you ever really consent to ‘slavery’, ‘abuse’, etc. when our legal system doesn’t allow you the ownership of your body to decide to do that, so really you still belong to the State. With things how they are at the moment, with government and law able to dictate what you can and cannot do with your own body, you do not own your own body. Similarly, no other individual can own your body, because you can’t consent to them ‘owning’ you like a ‘slave’, and consent doesn’t matter in issues of abuse, like with the Spanner case. So the only thing you can ever really belong to is the State, which is interesting considering all the ideas of women ‘selling’ themselves in prostitution, because how can they sell something that doesn’t even belong to them?

The video is all subtitled, because it would have been fucking stupid to just have me meowing at the screen for 4 minutes with no explanation, although I don’t think what is actually said is all that important in comparison to the themes within it. It’s not especially clever or well thought-out, but at least it’s made me think about issues of ownership and buying, selling, consent, etc.

My current projects aren’t going well. I want to work in video, but feel I want to do something too ambitious, so I’m putting it off.

I have a number of projects that I’m planning at the moment, but may never ever come to fruition. Some of them are still pending from last year, and I haven’t done anything with them, even though I should, just so I can see that they’re bad ideas and let them go.

Most of the ideas I have are that I want to create ideological, political pornography. That’s not to say that it’s necessarily intended to arouse, and certainly it wouldn’t be intended as its ‘sole or primary purpose’ is to arouse, but that it would show whatever is being documented explicitly. There’s no point in not showing something, unless there’s a good reason, and that reason shouldn’t be to do with morals, offense or obscenity. One of the things I want to do is create a video that isn’t ‘pornographic’ in the sense of showing sexuality, but instead shows the sort of acts associated with pornography, but that are also considered ‘violent’. I’m trying to be realistic about this, so as much as I think it could be brilliant to be properly beaten on film, it’s probably going to have to be limited to restraining, slapping, spitting, hair-pulling, all within the context of being humilated, degraded, abused, precisely for wanting the freedom to do that. Or something along those lines. I want there to be a parallel between the sort of bondage that the government/legal system believes to be harmful to society, and the sort of bondage that the government/legal system inflicts on society in the name of keeping order, and that the second one is real, and there isn’t a safeword. There are so many themes and issues within this that I haven’t tried to start making it, because I want to be clear about what I’m doing, but for some reason I just can’t get it straight in my mind. I know exactly how I want to do it though, in regard to the method used, as I think that any actor or artist who won’t actually subject themselves to the things that they purport to be representing are fake. I don’t think that you can act something well, unless part of you believes that what you’re doing is real, which is great, because I’m very able to suspend by disbelief in this sort of thing. So obviously I’m always going to know that it’s safe, but I think that seeing as I won’t have any awareness of what’s actually going to happen (no script, and not being told in advance what the other person is going to do) at least it won’t be completely contrived. At least it will be a real representation of what it is – me having asked someone to do these things to me, because of how having my freedom of expression limited makes me feel.

Secondly, I want to work  with the idea of art as prostitution. Original, I know. But the idea of the viewer having all the power, control, authority, and being able to dictate what the artist does. “Don’t try to please me, except for all the pleasing me.” Why is it more ethical to have people try to change my ideas to get me a good grade to enable my future prospects, than it would be to just say “suck me off and I’ll give you a good grade/job”? Maybe that’s a little extreme, but I found a notebook from my first year at university, and I’d written about how much more vulnerable I felt at having my work (which also happened to be photographs of my naked body) scrutinised academically by university staff than I felt showing my naked body sexually for money to strangers. And it’s completely, completely true. It’s incredibly less ‘degrading’ to ‘sell’ your body sexually than it is to show your body academically, and, more than that, to have to speak on demand about what you’ve done, justify it, give it context, and know that people can just say that they don’t like it, don’t think you should have done it, do something different next time. I guess this is the essence of criticism and I’ve never been at all good at taking criticism, but I feel that it’s more than that. Within an institution like this, there is a very clear hierarchy of authority, and authority is still something to be listened to, forcefully respected, and, because of that, if you don’t bend your ideas to whatever the authority suggests, you’re being insubordinate, you’re not showing respect, you’re not taking on board criticism and what’s the point in you being here if you’re not going to listen and improve yourself?

I want to make the videos really low-quality, webcam or camera-phone standard, because it’s obvious that that sort of image is what captures the public imagination and terrifies censors. The amount of things that have been cut just because it’s filmed by a hand-held camera. So I want to experiment with that. I plan on shooting the film about the “viewer” as a PoV shot, so the viewer of the film immediately identifies with the viewer in the film. We’ll see how it goes anyway.

The other film idea is markedly less pornographic, but requires more acting. I want to present a slideshow from an anti-porn website, preferably just using the script and slides they provide, but maybe improvising just to talk to the audience. An audience that obviously won’t exist, but I want to act as though they do. All these ideas sound so shit when you actually write them down… they’d probably look better if I made them rather than just talking about them.

My ultimate (perverse) artistic dream is to create a grainy, webcam or camera phone video as a fake snuff film, with blood packs and everything. Perhaps slightly contravening the OPA, but if it’s ok in a film (although, is it ok in a film…?) surely it’s fine to just make for my own curiosity. The person I live with is currently involved in a production of “The Pillowman”, and are having to sort out blood packs and how to break them inside a hood placed over one of their cast’s head for when he’s executed by Detective Tupolski, so all of this has sparked my desire to create something similar, but filmed, and therefore transcending the fantasy/reality barriers of stage. Obviously I’m more than happy for it to be political as well, so I’m taking a lot of influence from the play. I’m fine with being slapped, spat on, verbally abused, for my art, but where’s the line? The line might just be syrup-based fake blood in my hair….

(Considering going back and highlighting the ‘FAKE’ bit of ‘fake snuff film’, just so if I ever end up in court it can’t be paraphrased so easily into ‘snuff film’… Although, who cares about facts? Let’s just make sure we’re sending the right message.)

I’ll just start typing and see what happens. I’ll have to try to be more well-behaved than usual though, in case I do decide to give out a link to this site to my school. Not that that will really do anything, considering all the things I say in every other post on my blog, but still. May as well just write it honestly and edit it later.

I had a tutorial today. They’re often the sort of thing that make me think maybe it’s time to pack it all in and not bother any more. Perhaps it’s just me, perhaps it’s just that I’m really that bad at what I do that anything could tip me over the edge into deciding to give it up. One of the most frustrating things about tutorials at my school, obviously not just limited to this specific one, is how often you will be told to do things that you’ve already done. Most often, this is telling you to write things down and cite your influences and write about your context as an art practitioner. Last year was worse, because I was writing constantly and no one would read it. I gave out the link to my blog to a number of staff members who proceeded to never, ever look at my blog, despite them saying every single week that they just hadn’t got round to it yet, but they promise they absolutely will. I got one member of staff to see my blog, but only because I took in my laptop in an assessment to force them to look at it – so obviously they couldnt read any of it, they just saw that there was lots of writing on it and some pictures. Funnily enough, I’ve been told this year by that same person that I should have kept up with using my blog because it was really effective. Last year my assessment told me that it was inaccessible to my target audience, so I was discouraged and partially stopped using it.

So when being told today to make sure I had things about context in my work, I was pretty annoyed at the assumption that I dont do this anyway, and said that I write lots, but I write less than last year seeing as I wrote constantly and no one cared and no one was interested and no one read it and they just all asked where the pictures were. It’s encouraging to have someone then ask me to email them some writing so they can read it, although I can’t help but think that it’s partly just to save face. All the staff at my school seem to do pretty much the same thing – I offhandly complain that one of their colleagues has said something or done something unprofessional, and they say that it didn’t happen, and then reconsider and say that it probably did happen, but for the right reasons. So to me, this just feels like an active way of doing that. I think I’ve earned the right to be wary of them.

Anyway, what came out of the ‘discussion’ was that perhaps I’m not suited to doing art at all. My work is ideological, I should do something ideological with it. Politics, sociology, academia, writing, ideology of representation, do one of those instead. Or work within the narrow frame of what art is – poetic, transforming something into something else.

I’m willing to tell my blog, although perhaps not if I give this link to this person, that I mostly do not understand what this person is saying. I never really understand what I’m being asked, or being told, just because of the words used. That’s not to say that I don’t understand the words, more that I don’t understand the specific meaning of the words within this conversation. Words take on infinite meanings when there’s a real person actually saying them – what the word means to me may be totally different to how the person intended it, and so I don’t like to really say anything, partly because I fear I’m going to be told I’m wrong. Not just wrong about understanding the words or the questions or the sentences, but wrong for what I think. Like, I’m not all that certain on what constitutes ‘art’ for this particular tutor, but I don’t feel that I necessarily agree with it because it seems so very, very narrow. Plus, why should his view of what art is dictate how I see art, and my own place within creating art, or not, as the case seems to be from his perspective? He isn’t the authority on this, and nor am I. He’s not wrong about what he’s saying, but equally he’s not right either. His views can’t be wrong, but they aren’t universal truth. I could say that I believe that art can be anything, and there may be theories that disagree with me, and people may try to prove differently and try to say that some things would fall under different, better placed headings, but, in my world view and semantics, the definition of art wouldnt necessarily have to change.

I don’t know what ‘art’ is. I don’t really understand what makes something art or not art, but does it really matter when this is just a theory that can never be truth? If I think that creating images with text on them like a charity advert is art, why shouldnt it be? I don’t see how it can really be better placed. It’s not advertising, and is there a term for a visual piece that’s ideology rather than ‘poetic’ that isnt art? Why should art need to be poetic anyway? I can’t stand poetic art, I’d much prefer something that’s to the point, or at least that can be analysed. I like there to be a right answer, even if there are lots of competing ‘right’ answers.

I feel like I’m being put under too much pressure to decide what I want to do. This course has always come across as quite vocational, although fuck knows what all the people on my course think they’re going to do with this qualification – I have the suspicion there aren’t that many ‘artist’ vacancies available. I don’t want to be an artist, I don’t want to be a designer, I don’t want to do advertising, I don’t want to teach, I don’t want to go into some boring obscure job that I haven’t even heard of yet. I’m not sure if the job I want really exists. I want to be able to create things, but that doesn’t necessarily have to be part of my job. I was thinking a few days ago about how lucky I am to have been encouraged in art, because it means that I get to think about things all the time, and, when I so choose, create a visual representation of the ideas. It’s nice to have that time to reflect and create something that solidifies the thoughts, and I hadn’t really considered that people who don’t create art don’t partake in this particular pleasure. Anyway, the thing that I really want to do is learn, and try to get my views across. I’ll concede that art is turning out to be a terrible way of doing that. I can go on all I want about art being a great way to transmit ideology, but high art really isn’t, because no one wants you to say anything. You’re allowed to talk about big things, so long as you dont actually talk about them, you just paint an ambiguous picture or something and then allow the viewers to make up their own mind. As I’ve mentioned before I think, with the subjects I work on, I dont feel that this is enough, because when people have been persuaded by the media and government to believe in falsehoods to do with things like the sex industry, showing someone a picture of an ambiguous thing to do with the sex industry will never be ambiguous because of all the connotations from the media and government that are linked to it. Creating something ‘ambiguous’, I think, has less space for people to think than creating something that intends to be provocative and one-sided. At least people might see the statements on my images and feel angry that they’re being told what to think.

I see films as probably the most effective way of getting across an ideological view. They’re accessible, and can transmit a message, potentially without the viewer even realising it. With traditional art, there’s the framing that you’re going to a gallery to learn, put on your sensible thinking hats, please, everybody. With a film, it’s surface purpose is entertainment – most people don’t view films to learn, but it’s something that can come about unintentionally. I think that films must be just about the most effective way of transmitting an idea, otherwise they wouldn’t get banned. The BBFC wouldn’t be so frightened of letting adults view whatever they want if they didn’t think that these films had the potential to change peoples’ views. So maybe I want to make films. I don’t have the skills or the knowledge or the equipment to actually make films, but I’d still like to try. Nor do I actually think that the things I produced would be really worthy of exposure, but that’s not really the issue. I think I’m expecting to be able to do unrealistic things – by being told that my work isn’t transmitting anything (my bedframe piece leaves no space for the viewer because it’s put together with sellotape), I’ve believed that I’m failing. I may not be able to get my views across to everyone, that’s impossible, but it’s nice to see that my blog has now had 34,000 views. Even if a lot of those were mistakes, or just looking for something specific, or whatever, at least some people might be interested in what I’m saying, and maybe that isn’t nothing.

Besides, I’m a young, female student who opposes government policy (just read about the government furor with Professor David Nutt, and you’ll recognise that the government policy on having advisors that disasgree with government policy isn’t especially tolerant), who has things on the internet that taint her credibility – I’m pretty much exempt from being able to work in anything to do with politics or the government. If the Lib Dems have to actively defend their choice to allow a female ex-porn director to be a candidate for them, and justify why she should be allowed to take any part in politics, I think I’m pretty much fucked. The school seemed worried for me last year, just mentioning anything to do with pornography on my blog, because it might mean that I’m linked to the ideas forever. But if the stigma wasn’t there, it wouldn’t be an issue, so why should I think and act and live according to ideas that I don’t believe in, just so I’m definitely not punished for it later?

The only things I can do are from the outside, if I can do anything at all. Either that, or reinvent myself, wait until someone at the BBFC finally dies, and try to take their job by being the most conservative, militant moralist that I can be, and end up becoming what I hate in the process. You can’t change things from the inside – once you’re on the inside it’s too late, unfortunately, or at least that’s how it seems.

My exhibition piece for tomorrow in progress. Better than I expected, considering I found out that I have an exhibition tomorrow at 3.30 this afternoon, and so had to go into my studio afterhours to take everything down and paint the wall white in preparation, then start actually making the piece. Obviously it’s completely badly made – it’s all stuck together with sellotape, but it doesnt show too much. My excuse for being able to link it to everyone elses’ work in my studio is that it has some stuff directly on the wall, and other people are doing murals, and the bedframe looks like an extension of the wall, or something. Failing that I’ll have to paint on the wall, which I dont want to do because I like how clean it looks as it is – maybe that can be my point, it’s not similar to the murals, it’s dissimilar, with black letters stuck to clean white wall. Bleh, dont really care. Not marked on it, will probably only be up for a couple of days. Totally unimportant, just dont really want to look like a twat for doing something completely different to anyone else in my studio, but not quite sure how painting a mural of kitchen utensils would really be that useful to my work, and get the impression that while the things should link together in the room, they are still meant to be something to do with your own working practice.


  • fred whitacre jr: they don,t have any sex invaled why are we so againce children being nude in pictures because of alll the sick fucking rapetist out there children
  • fred whitacre jr: she only 12 but it is not porn at all it is nude only only a sick person would want to fuck her not me but i will tell you the true she is a very hot
  • fred whitacre jr: i see noghting wrong just a nude girl no porn that would be wrong with a child but not worng with a grown up only nude pics of children is ok if no se