Sj7g09's Blog

Posted on: February 23, 2011

Disappeared for ages, then started to feel better and more able to do stuff, for a day at least, but knocked back down again now. Not to sound like I have delusions of persecution or anything, but marked by 2 lecturers who don’t at all like me because I won’t put up with all the absolute bullshitting that they try to pass as academia, so my feedback is basically that I can’t do art, I’m technically bad, my understanding is excellent in the comment box but ‘good’ on the tickbox sheet, and just generally don’t bother, you’re not an artist, you have no imagination, you never get past facts. It’s not meant to be made up, that’s not the point – the whole issue is that it’s factual. But apparently documentation doesn’t cut it, despite their mantra of ‘document everything’.

So I’m having a shit day. After about 3, 4 hours of crying about being worthless, and, to be honest, attempting to con someone into spanking me since there’s still such a stigma about hitting a woman, even if they’re literally asking for it, I’m starting to tap into my resilience and try to rebuild. Not that there’s really anything to rebuild. The last month or so I’ve just disappeared. Ignored phone, emails, not really spoken to anyone, not gone to uni, not really done any work, so I have 2 modules that I haven’t even started, and I feel less than enthusiastic about putting in any effort for any of this. With my practical module, I put everything I could into it, or at least I felt like I did – the week before hand-in I stayed up til 4 most mornings working on putting everything together, to be told that it’s worthless, pointless, I shouldn’t have bothered. It’s not technically good video, so don’t try. It’s interesting that I feel so much worse about it now I have the feedback sheet back… To know who marked my work, and what they will have seen. I felt ok about it when I didn’t know, when there was no consequence, no acknowledgement that they must have seen my work. So ultimately I feel quite sick, thinking about two middleaged men judging videos that I’ve made, going into personal issues, or showing vulnerability, or skin… Kind of entertaining in a disconnected kind of way, seeing as I never feel like that about performing for men online, but when it’s men that I should respect, trust, whatever, I find it disgusting. I find that sort of judging so much more disconcerting and destroying. Funny that people have a problem with porn and camming and whatever for it judging women on their appearance, but fucking hell, that’s nothing compared to having your whole sense of self judged and condensing your supposed ability into a number.

Not really sure what happens from here. Been considering dropping out, but maybe that’s a bit much. Plus it’s easier to just stay, get a degree even though the absolute last thing I ever want to do now is anything to do with art. Hobby painting for me, even if it’s sex and violence rather than flowers and kittens.

I suppose it just confirmed all the things that I thought already, that my work wasn’t really art, and was just rubbish GCSE or A-level stuff. Shame they haven’t even left me with my academic writing, giving me less marks than my essay last year, which I think was terrible compared to the one I handed in this year. I might put it up, just to feel vindicated really, and probably to have another rant. I was apparently marked down because I don’t use any ideological arguments… Apparently I only write about morals and high art status, and that isn’t ideological. And I should have mentioned money. Definitely not just because the marker has a supposed loathing of capitalism, and sees himself as this Marxist, anarchist freedom fighter, despite owning (and obviously also showing off – I believe it’s mandatory) an iPhone, and being in the most fucking prostituting profession there is – I have to wonder quite how being paid to deliver knowledge to those who can afford it fits with his deeply-held Marxist views. Obviously they’re deeply held seeing as he felt the need to write in my feedback that I should have mentioned that film-makers don’t like censorship because it means they get less money, despite how obviously fucking ridiculous this is seeing as if it was for money surely they’d write a film that wasn’t going to get censored in the first place. But why respect views that don’t fit with your own? My essay is going to an external moderator though, so maybe they’ll think it’s better than the school gave it credit for, but I don’t want to have any hope, because it’ll just be another disappointment. Basically, education just feels like the main objective is to desensitise you so much to being academically abused, so that you have no self-esteem and are willing to accept whatever they want. If only what they wanted wasn’t so soul-crushing as to desire you to change all your ideas, how you implement your ideas, and how you feel about the entire system.

1 Response to ""

I often find my beliefs and moral standards questioned and getting the shit beaten out of them when I’m dealing with people whom I actually know, especially the ones I care about.

Making art became much more enjoyable when I stopped caring about what others have to say about it, positive or negative. Hope you’ll enjoy whatever you like to do.

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  • fred whitacre jr: they don,t have any sex invaled why are we so againce children being nude in pictures because of alll the sick fucking rapetist out there children
  • fred whitacre jr: she only 12 but it is not porn at all it is nude only only a sick person would want to fuck her not me but i will tell you the true she is a very hot
  • fred whitacre jr: i see noghting wrong just a nude girl no porn that would be wrong with a child but not worng with a grown up only nude pics of children is ok if no se
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